Some people have their own stories with their classic, intriguing or even mysterious plot. I have mine, you have yours and they have their stories where maybe I don’t know since I have not read the outline, I have not seen the drama and they are even not a superstar. Leads people to passiveness to ask and ignorance to follow. I believe interesting stories can come everywhere even from someone that you even don’t know or from random strangers that just open their mouth and flooded you with words and expressions.
Today, I want to share with you about my dealing to forgive.
I was born in a (probably) happy family. My Mother raised me, and my two siblings, by herself meanwhile her husband lived in other place called ‘my parents house’. My Mother’s husband owns acres of rice fields and successful entrepreneur in his village. Everyone knows him. My siblings and I only met him every weekend and we had great memories of him until we found out that he cheated on our Mother, or completely, to US. He married another woman when I was nine without telling permission to my Mother or even divorce her. All the rotten secrets were wide opened when I was struggling finished my thesis and my brother had to work on his final test. He decided to leave us hanging. Without any pennies, any house, or any inheritance. He left us for that woman while his family also thought his steps were also the right things to do. That’s the moment when I decided not to call him a Father. No matter what a people told me about the consequences, they never know how it feels when a person that you should trust and should teach you how to build a romantic relationship with your future partner just betrays you.
It left me with high depression. I could not count how many times I want to jump over the building, died, and left all these problems. I was the oldest child while all my relatives put all the load on me. I can not count how many times they asked me:
- Don’t forget to get married!
- Send your mother some money!
- You have to take care all your siblings
- You have to work harder. Send your family money and make them happy!
- When you will marry your boyfriend? Bring your Mother with you!
- Help your sister and your brother!
- Visit your Dad. He is your Dad no matter what happens
Those are not the end of questions and statements. As a woman with heart, I know my responsibility but how the public tortures and races me with questions makes me feel like: Am I valued as a normal person who already knows my responsibility and still wants to explore the rest of the world? But why people always care about my family instead of myself who work hard alone?
Those questions are flying around my head. Interfere my sleeping patterns and scrape my confidence. I am trying to find a great lawyer to help my family while my Mother thought we only need to make a report to Religious Court. How the relationship of my Mother’s husband with her makes me afraid to get married until I told my partner that I am not ready for any official relationship every single time when I am under alcohol influence. This is the moment when a single person called ‘your mother’s husband’ could destroy the entire family mercilessly.
Until a years ago when I met a psychologist who helped me to get out of this problem and how she also handled her darkest past.
Until months ago when I met a grab car driver who learns how to forgive the person who hit him until left him disabled.
Until a week ago when I met parents who tried to forget and forgive a person who hit their 4-years old children until died.
Until today when my mother called me and could not stop asking for forgiveness.
As a person who still dealing with heartbroken, depression and anxiety, I still found myself hard to forgive someone who already hurt my feeling. Especially the person that I call ‘My Mother’s Husband’.
Forgiveness is incredibly hard. It’s as hard as what we have called in Islam as IKHLAS.
Ikhlas or sincerity is an intention, action and then perseverance on it is the highest of love and servitude to God (source: https://www.al-islam.org). Ikhlas is the highest altitude of a person where they can accept all the reality that happens and they forgive, forget and admit it as part of God’s trials. Every single person can learn how to forgive other people but sometimes they can not forget.
How I see all the people surround me to learn their life through forgiveness put me is ashamed. But I know that some people also need some time to heal from a broken heart. That’s what I am doing today inside my 2×3 meters room surrounds with 2 cats and 5 kittens. I learn how to contemplate by seeing other’s people problem and forgive my past through writings and readings. I also found that by sharing my thoughts the people whom I believe also help me to face all the challenges. I found it as funny to find that I trust my neighbours who are 9 years younger than me as my best friends but what my psychologist told me is great listeners are not looking on age. Find someone who can sit with you. listen to you, and give you the best hug. Sometimes you just want to be listened, not involve any sounds. Just listen!.
My partner, Sam helps me a lot to coup with my depression and anxiety. He always listens to me and gives me the best hug every time I need it even though most of it is virtually through Skype. I never asked for anyone better because he’s already the best person that God created for me. Even though he doesn’t believe in God and I never know who created him :).
For you who deal with your depression and still cannot forgive your past, find someone who can listen to you. When you think that your friend can not help you, please find professionals. Being help does not mean you are sick. You just need a companion who can sit with you and give you the best advice. While you are trying to forgive your pass, having social interactions by helping people in needs probably will help you to see problems from other perspectives.
You are loved and everybody loves you because you are priceless.